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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24469930">so tired of being so tired (why do i have to build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/1jk_kj1/pseuds/1jk_kj1'>1jk_kj1</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>my medium rare depressing she-ra one-shots [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depressing, F/F, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, I Love You, Not Beta Read, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, and this was written before s5 so keep that in mind, anyways let me actually tag for a second, anyways yeah pretty much angst with no happy ending, but im feeling better, but we all know what happened last time, cut the cameras, deadass, dont count on a chapter 2 because i cannot promise itll happen, fr this isnt a very happy fic luvs, i also havent written since november oops, i feel really bad for putting catra thru this oops, i just edited it once lol, ill keep the chapter count at 1/2 for now tho just in case, im just now remembering it exists tho, it just might be a little while, just be careful please, k again i love you and im here if u need someone to talk to, not yet at least, tbh all my stories are me lowkey venting, this was a vent, trigger warning, unless i post a part 2, youre not alone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:00:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24469930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/1jk_kj1/pseuds/1jk_kj1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Catra didn’t stop the thoughts from entering her head now. She was positive they were true now. They found their way into her ears like venom and she clung to them like a lifeline. She knew Adora would be much better off without her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora/Catra (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>my medium rare depressing she-ra one-shots [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>so tired of being so tired (why do i have to build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey yall its been a while.</p><p>major trigger warning for a suicide attempt so please be mindful.</p><p>i love you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>From the moment Catra slipped from Adora’s arms, she knew exactly what she was doing.</p><p>The feline gently stepped off the shared bed and slowly walked over to the desk in the corner of the room. She opened a drawer on it and pulled out a small box hidden in the back of it, then pulled out a piece of paper from it. The paper was folded delicately and with care down to the size of a dollar bill. She walked back over to the bed and placed the paper into the sleeping blonde's hand.</p><p>With a delicate kiss to her forehead, Catra slipped out of the room into the halls of Brightmoon without any hesitation. She knew that if she stayed, Adora could wake up and it would ruin her whole plan. The only thing she could hear as she walked was her own footsteps, but she didn’t pay any attention to them at all. She was lost in her own thoughts.</p><p>If she were to be honest, she never thought that this day would come. She always felt there was going to be no end to her pain, no end to her thoughts, but it felt like finally, the end was in sight.</p><p>After this, she would never have to deal with the glares and dirty looks she’d get walking down the halls. She would never have to deal with knowing how much pain she caused everyone and how many people suffered because of her. She would never have to deal with her own thoughts nagging at her. She would never have to deal with the PTSD from all of Shadow Weavers abuse growing up or from the war she fought in. She would never have to deal with the constant weight on her shoulders to redeem herself. She wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of her actions anymore. She would never have to deal with the looks of pity from her comrades ever again. She would never have to make Adora worry about her. She would never hurt her again. </p><p>And she was sure of it. </p><p>Her feet brought her to a staircase that seemed to never end but she walked up it anyways. She knew it would be easier if she climbed up to the top of the castle like she usually did, but she wanted to feel the burning in her legs one last time as she walked. </p><p>By the time she reached the top, she pushed through a door and was met with the cool breeze of the outer world. She stepped out onto the roof and slowly started to walk towards the railing. A small smile made its way onto her face as her hands grasped the cold metal. She leaned onto it and closed her eyes.</p><p>Catra allowed herself to appreciate this moment. The wind gently blew through her hair. This small thing felt different to her in this moment, though. Most of the time she would curse the breeze out when her hair blew into her face like this and adjust her mask, but she didn’t have her mask on. She found it soothing in the moment though and she let it happen. It was almost like a small whisper in her ear telling her she's doing the right thing. Almost like a warm, comforting hug.</p><p>It would never compare to one of Adora’s, though.</p><p>As soon as that thought came to the girl's head, her eyes snapped open. The blonde was the only reason she had made it this far. The only reason why she postponed this for so long.</p><p>Her breathing quickened as all of the moments with Adora came back to her at once. All of the nights they spent awake in each others arms with pointless conversations and constant giggling. All of the times that the feline had woken up from a nightmare and was welcomed into warm, caring arms. All of the small kisses they snuck when nobody was looking between meetings. All of the laughter. All of the passionate kisses when they were alone.</p><p>It all rushed back to her and punched her in the gut.</p><p>Her breathing then began to become shaky and her grip on the railing tightened. She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about Adora now. </p><p>Those steel blue eyes and that big, stupid smile Adora always had on her face was the only thing she was going to miss. Adora was the only thing she was going to miss. </p><p>'You hurt her!'</p><p>'You’re the reason she has those scars all over her body!'</p><p>'You’re the reason that she’s been struggling throughout the war.'</p><p>'You don’t deserve to miss her after everything that you’ve done.'</p><p>Catra didn’t stop the thoughts from entering her head now. She was positive they were true now. They found their way into her ears like venom and she clung to them like a lifeline. She knew Adora would be much better off without her. </p><p>After all of the blood she drew, after all of the times she manipulated her, after all of the times that she had hurt Adora in any way, shape, or form, she knew this is what she needed to do. She convinced herself this was the only way she could ever truly apologize to the woman she hurt constantly throughout the years.</p><p>Catra closed her eyes and took a deep breath in, held it for a few seconds, then let it out. She opened her eyes without realizing they became glossy in the first place, but she hopped over the railing anyways and faced her front outwards, but didn’t fully jump off yet. She let her toes hang off the edge first, feeling the cold brick of the castle under her heels.</p><p>'This is it. The end is finally here.'</p><p>A small smile crept onto her face at the thought as she looked up to the sky. Up to the stars.</p><p>'All of the suffering is finally going to be over. It's all finally going to be over.'</p><p>Just as she allowed herself to lean forward, to finally chase that feeling of being truly free, the door in front of her slammed open and her blood ran cold.</p><p>“Catra?!” The voice shouted. She didn’t even need to turn around to see who it was. She didn’t bother to. She just opened her eyes and focused on the buildings below her.</p><p>The feline did nothing about the silence at first. The last thing she wanted tonight was for Adora to wake up and there she was right behind her.</p><p>Awake and gasping for breath.</p><p>“Hey Adora…” Catra’s voice came out small and delicate as she finally decided to break the silence. She knew that it worried Adora even more, but she was done keeping her walls up. She was done acting like she was okay.</p><p>She was so tired of being so tired.</p><p>Nobody said anything for a few seconds. Neither of them knew what they should’ve said in the moment. </p><p>“Catra,” Adora’s voice was now soft as Catra heard her take a hesitant step towards her. She could tell the blonde was crying, or was about to start, by how strained her voice was. “Please, don’t jump”</p><p>The feline felt her breathing stop for a moment. For that moment, that very, very long moment, Catra felt like she was floating even though she didn’t jump. She felt like she had been knocked out of her own body. She was hit with a wave of dizziness, almost letting go of the metal bar she clung to.</p><p>“I can’t-” A lump got caught in her throat. “Adora I can’t keep on going.”</p><p>She heard the blonde take another step closer to the railing she clung to.</p><p>“Catra, talk to me, please.” The desperation seeped through her voice as it cracked slightly. She got no response though. She took another step closer to the feline. </p><p>“Don’t come any closer.” Catra snapped suddenly and closed her eyes. Her ears were now flat on her head and her fail was curled around her own waist. “Take one more step and I’ll jump.” Her whole body was now trembling as she debated on letting go of the railing.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Adora spoke. Her words were filled with an emotion Catra couldn’t quite recognize. </p><p>Or she just didn’t try hard enough to identify it. (She couldn’t bring herself to care much at the moment.)</p><p>The blonde honestly didn’t know how to respond or how to handle this. She never had to do anything like this before, and she was terrified. The thing that scared her most right now though was the thought of losing the love of her life, so she picked out her words slowly and carefully. She was aware of the tears flowing down her own face but didn’t try to stop them.</p><p>“I’m so exhausted, Adora. I’ve caused people-” Her voice hitched, “I’ve caused you so much pain and put you through so much. I can’t keep living with the guilt of knowing everything I’ve done to you. I don’t want to keep on bothering you with my own problems and I don’t want to keep on making you feel like I’m your responsibility.” Catra slowly opened her eyes again and the tears flowed freely onto the railing in her clutch. “And… And with everyone else that I hurt, that I keep on hurting, I just can’t face them anymore.”</p><p>She turned on the rail and her mismatched eyes met the blonde’s pair of blue and she just smiled sadly, feeling the wind run through her hair. Catra couldn’t quite place that look in her eyes, but she figured it doesn’t matter anymore. It was all going to be over soon anyway, so why worry about it now? </p><p>“I’m done hurting you Adora.” The feline turned back around, finally looking down at the drop below her. </p><p>Before she let Adora speak another word, she let go of the railing.</p><p>She felt at peace as she fell despite the faint scream she heard and didn’t bother to brace for impact. She let herself enjoy these last few moments of her life, finding peace in not knowing what would come after she hit the pavement just a few feet away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please leave feedback i would appreciate it a lot.</p><p>i might make another chapter bc this is only a portion of what i had down on the google doc. there was a lot more and a little bit more of a happy ending, but i don't know if ill get around to it anytime soon. i said i would try to post a chapter 2 of the last little thing i wrote but that obviously didn't happen oops.</p><p>also the title of this chapter is from Good News by Mac Miller. i hope i can go more in depth next time i write something like this because i feel the song really applies to catra.</p><p>anyways i love you guys.</p><p>you're not alone either. i love you. my dms are open any time.</p><p>1-800-273-8255</p></blockquote></div></div>
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